Post subject: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 3:31 pm
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Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:00 am Posts: 1322 Location: Wylie Texas but in Alaska for a while
An odd question, nothing related to this forum.
If it is inappropriate, I am sorry, I am a little isolated, and wanted to ask some friends a question.
I went to Alaska to care for my daughter when she was having an operation. It did not go well, and I stayed for 2 and a half years caring for her. I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, drive her to her appointments and all of the repairs on the house. I have repainted the exterior and rebuilt 2 decks, getting the house ready to sell. My sweat equity has increased the value of the house by 25,000 and taken it from a house that would be a fixer upper, to one that is suitable to move into. I still have to repaint the inside, but that should be about it for major repairs.
She got a settlement that is enough to keep her comfortable. Things in Alaska are expensive, roughly 50% more than in the lower 48. Especially food, most of which has to be shipped in.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2018 4:28 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 8:07 am Posts: 134
Considering your caring for her and fixing up her house to make her more money when it sells and she got a settlement for the botched surgery, why are you paying for anything?
Without you she would be in a bind, I realize she is your daughter and family is family but if you were my dad in those circumstances you wouldn't open your wallet unless you wanted to do so.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:47 am
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Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2015 6:39 am Posts: 166
JCD wrote:
Considering your caring for her and fixing up her house to make her more money when it sells and she got a settlement for the botched surgery, why are you paying for anything?
^^this
But at the same time she may just not realise you could use some support. She may just have been wrapped up in her own situation and not have thought about you.
Don't know your situation.
My father keeps busy by building things, doing construction on the house and even more so now hes retired. She may just have taken you for granted unknowingly.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:16 pm
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Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:00 am Posts: 1322 Location: Wylie Texas but in Alaska for a while
Thanks for the comments. My wife and my daughter both think that I should be paying for my own food.
Both think that for me to even consider having her pay for it is so far from normal that they cannot understand why I would even consider it.
I have a problem with perseveration. As I was painting the tong and groove siding with a brush my mind kept coming back to this.
I have accepted that I am paying for my food. I just wanted to see if my thinking was as far from normal as my wife was telling me.
Spending hours alone painting groves in rough wood that has not been painted for 20 years gives my mind time to wander and this one was just stuck there.
The issue with me was not who should pay for the food. It was that I was being told that no normal person would even think about having her pay for it.
I just wanted to see if it was really that unreasonable and no one would even consider it.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 1:53 pm
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:18 am Posts: 1542
I guess it all depends on the people involved. My parents were very well off. But once I, and my brothers and sisters were grown and on our own, they even charged us to attend family meals, including Christmas , Thanksgiving, and all holidays. We were charged per head for wives, children, and guests. I never heard of this in any other families. They said it was a matter of respect and responsibilities. I don't charge my kids, or their families.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 2:39 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 8:07 am Posts: 134
Steve are these holiday get togethers at a rented location and catered or at their home? I could understand the former but the latter absolutely astounds me especially considering they are well off.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:11 pm
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:18 am Posts: 1542
Nope, at the home we all grew up in. Although I have never heard of another family doing this, and I wouldn't do it myself, I understand my parent's philosophy. Both parents came from poor, recent immigrant parents, so although they were successful financially they remembered being poor. The focus in our family since I can remember was based on two words, Freedom/Responsibility. At 18 each of us received a gold coin they had designed with those words on it. Two sides of the same coin. In the end I must say their rather harsh methods worked. All six children ended up owning successful businesses, and have lived productive lives. All of us in our 60's now, and no one even considers retirement.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:13 pm
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:18 am Posts: 1542
Sorry, I don't want to hijack Wilson's thread. I just gave my example to make the point that when it comes to these types of relationship things, each family is unique, and in the end has to make its own choices.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:02 pm
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2005 12:22 pm Posts: 21602 Location: San Francisco
Steve, sorry, I think your parents were weird.
I'm 1st generation American as well.
My parents were immigrants, both living through the Great Depression and yes, they turned a dime over a few times before spending it. But when it came to their friends and family they would have given the shirt off their back.
Whenever I came for dinner, I would leave with shopping bags full of leftovers, and an assemblage of everything else my mom found on sale at the Five and Dime.
But, you are the dad, Wilsonintexas, perhaps you should indeed be bringing home some bacon.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 11:58 am
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Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:00 am Posts: 1322 Location: Wylie Texas but in Alaska for a while
I APPRECIATE THE REPLIES.
Barbra Voltaire wrote:
But, you are the dad, Wilsonintexas, perhaps you should indeed be bringing home some bacon.
\
I do appreciate that I am the dad.
More as Information, so t does not sound like I am a dad taking advantage of my daughter.
During the previous operation I came up every two weeks when her husband went to work on the slope. I paid for all of t he flights.
When she was married and her husband was making 90,000 my daughter wanted to go to a rehab program. He would not pay for it so we did. ($50,000)
When he decided to divorce her, he stopped paying for anything.
I was taking care of her, and before she got her settlement I was paying all of her living expenses. (over $30,000) over 2 years.
At the time she said that she would pay us back when she got the settlement.
During the settlement she was almost done, and I talked to her lawyer. He had mentioned that they may reduce their percentage, depending on when it settled. My daughter asked them about it and the initial answer was no, they would not change it.
I intervened and convinced them to reduce their fee, and she got an extra $100,000.
After the settlement, she said that she would pay us back, she did pay us back the $50,000 for rehab. She said that she would pay back the rest, but so far has not.
My wife and I also supported my son as he attempted to open a new business. Over 4 years, we gave him $80,000 to live on while he and his wife attempted to run a business.
The money for both of them was the money we hoped to use early in our retirement to travel, before my wife's MS got to bad and she could not travel any more.
That fund is now pretty much wiped out.
This is all to try and say that I have given both of my children when they needed it, and will continue to.
But when my daughter got a settlement it seems like it is time for her to pay her own way.
This sounds more defensive than it is intended to.
I just did not want people to think that I was that much of a scrouge.
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 2:08 pm
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Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2016 8:07 am Posts: 134
Scrooge???? your the salt of the earth, your daughter should be ashamed by her stinginess.
Since she has gotten her settlement she should have already paid you back for all the loans/travel, time plus some for doing it in the first place as well as given you half the additional money you got her by talking to the lawyers.
I hope my thoughts don't offend you Wilson but after reading your last post I was just stunned/jaw on floor at her attitude after all you have done for her as well as the money and time spent to help her.
Maybe you should go take lessons from Steve's parents.........of course they would charge you. Lol
Post subject: Re: An odd question on who should pay for something
Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:26 pm
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Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 2:18 am Posts: 1542
I agree with Barbara, my parents were weird.
Another one of their responsibility lessons had to do with college money. They were perfectly happy to contribute to our college efforts. However, they had hooks. The actually formed a company titled the Studente loan company (play on last name). You could borrow what you needed from the company for school. If you were successful and got your degree, the loan, and all interest was forgiven. However, should you not complete you studies, the loans became due and payable with interest. They would set up a nice legal payment plan and contract. We were all motivated to finish. Hey it worked. Don't misunderstand, if one of us really needed help, they were there full force, sparing no expense or effort to do what was needed. I still think the holiday dinner charges were a little over the top. LOL.
Wilson, from my perspective you have been extremely supportive, and generous in your efforts to help you children. Now, take care of yourself.
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